Author Archives: Muffy Ruben

Dear Therapist: Winter Isolation

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A Season of Loneliness?

Dear Therapist,

I am feeling isolated this season. It feels like I am spending more time on my own, at home, binging shows, cooking for one, and generally feeling isolated. Is there any way to alleviate my winter blues?

I get you – particularly after the snowy, cold week we have had in the Seattle area recently. The pattern almost feels painful. Get up, head to work, come home, eat dinner, watch shows, and head to bed. People are over the holiday merriment and the cold has burrowed in to make it hard to feel and/or stay connected.

What to do?

Most likely it’s going to take some energy to break the pattern, but you can choose community over isolation even during this season — even if you find it challenging.

Here are some ideas:

  1. Invite a group of friends over to watch your favorite shows together — or watch a show with a friend on-line using FaceTime or another similar service.
  2. Don’t go home right away after work. Perhaps pop into a book store or a coffee shop and take in the scene. Even if you don’t know anyone being a part of the hustle and bustle of the place will lift the feeling of isolation.
  3. Host a dinner party or a game night – make it potluck in terms of food and games.
  4. Catch a movie on the big screen – with friends or on your own. Again, being in a public place can do a lot to take you out of that felt sense of isolation.
  5. Volunteer — spend some time working on behalf of a cause you love. You will meet like-minded people and gain a sense of purpose

These are only a few of the ways that you can beat winter isolation. Anything that breaks your routine and puts you around people or involves your community will be helpful.

Spring is coming – the days are already lengthening. Winter’s grip will recede in due time. In the meantime, challenge yourself to stay connected.

Leaning In

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Lean In – What do you have to lose?

Have you ever had something come up in your relationship with your partner and you get this funny little feeling that the person is not exactly pleased with whatever it is you are or are not doing? Often when this happens, the person getting the hint clams up and begins to judge or criticize one’s self regarding what the partner wants the person to do.

All of a sudden you have one person secretly hinting at something he is upset about and the other feeling bad about one’s self and trying to move to “fix it.”

Guess what’s missing?

Communication of course. However, if someone feels like she is being criticized, it’s often easier to judge self, criticize self, vow to do better, and then try. However, the whole thing sounds arduous and doesn’t leave two people feeling closer, but rather passive in how things are communicated and then, without even knowing it, resentments can build.

What’s an alternative? Lean in!

The idea is simple. When you get that feeling that your partner is displeased, naming it rather than taking it on and figuring it out on your own is the first step.

When you bring it up, do so in the spirit of curiosity. What is your partner trying to tell you? Perhaps it’s that she wants you to help out with housework around the house without being asked. Noticing that is the issue and then naming it with the other, and then asking, “How does it feel to do all of the chores and not have any help?” or “Why does this matter to you?”

Ask questions that open your partner up to telling you more about what she is experiencing in the here and now moment, as well as how this evolved to matter for her. This is also an opportunity for you to let your partner know your side of the story as well. By listening to one another, you can learn a whole lot more about one another and then strive to find a solution that works for both of you.

It won’t be perfect, but in leaning in and opening up the conversation, both parties will have a better sense of what is going on around the topic and who we are in regard to it. From there, compromises can be made and solutions found. More importantly, you will not have taken something on that may or may not be yours and your relationship may gain a further depth of understanding.

Maintaining a curious stance about your partner is key throughout the journey.

Creativity Burst: A Snowy Walk

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A Snowy Walk

My mind is on snow. We’ve had a few days of the winter white stuff out here in Seattle, which is actually unusual. Given I hail from the Midwest, it is not something uncommon for me to see, although it sort of is out in the Pacific Northwest. As such, when a snowy day arrives, what is there to do, especially if you are stuck at home?

Creativity burst time!

Put on your coat, gloves, hat, and boots, grab your partner or pooch or just yourself, and hit the snow with an easy walk. Have you ever noticed how quiet the world is when it snows? You could live in the middle of a city and even then when the snow descends, peace and quiet reign.

Instead of staying bundled up inside by a warm fire, get moving and take a walk. Once in the snow, it is a good opportunity to observe the natural world asleep under a blanket of snow. What do you notice? As you walk along, try to name what you observe, especially those things you would only see this time of year.

Now, dwell. In the quiet, in the snow, in what you have observed. Breathe it in, take it in, observe your partner or pooch taking it in, and be in the moment. Even a short walk can lead to feeling restored.

Further, when you return home, you can take your observations, musings, and other thoughts here and there to inspire the rest of your day. Ultimately, leading to a burst of creativity. A snowy walk can hold a breakthrough moment. Wait for it.

A Heavy Heart

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A Heavy Heart

A friend texted me the other day and although, like most texts, it was short with very few words, I could feel the heaviness of the person’s heart in that little note.

Now, how can you actually feel a text? I think the Millenials and those younger than me can read feelings in texts just fine with the help of all of the emojis, but for me (& my generation) there is something that still has to be read between the lines. It is implied, but not a given, unless we have the courage to ask or simply reply, “I feel the heaviness of your heart.”

How to handle a friend or a colleague’s heavy heart? Presence. This seems to be a critical key and one that seems to be lacking for younger generations who basically find presence in the on-line, social media driven world. For me, when I received the text, and felt the heaviness, I replied back by naming what I could read and feel between the lines. The person wrote back a note of thanks for me naming what she was feeling.

However, I made a mental note to myself to check in with this person when I next saw her to really show my presence, my care, my concern over her situation. I knew the immediate text of empathy would help, but I also knew that a heavy heart needs presence, interest, a kind word, a show of care that takes a little more time than sending a sad emoji.

This may fly in the face of our tech world, and may be something you laugh at, but when you think back to your hard moments, what was it that you needed? Even though technology keeps speeding up, human beings still function the old fashioned way, The gift of presence can lend a balm to a heavy heart like none other.

Yes, it is expensive as it is our time and no-one has much of it anymore, but it’s also our fellow family, friends, and community. Taking care of the heavy hearts as they arise is critical to holding on to what we all need as people living together on this planet. Do not let your phone an other tech gadgets fool you. Reach beyond to ease someone’s pain.

Creativity Burst: Baking a Pie

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When all else fails, bake a pie!

Creativity can found in so many places, particularly the kitchen. Perhaps you are not one to enjoy cooking or baking – if that is you then this post is probably not for you. However, if there is an inkling within that is drawn to making something homemade in the kitchen, it truly is a place and space to let your creativity burst forth.

And why pie?

In my humble pie opinion, it’s one of those baked goodies that can be as easy or as challenging as you want to make it and/or need it to be. No matter what level you take it to though, baking a pie can create a space for creativity like none other.

You have the choice of type of pie and can change it up as you see fit and are drawn to do. You can choose ready-made pie crust and focus on the filling or you can perfect your pie dough technique – what would be most challenging of all for me! There is also the ritual of using your hands and mind to create something special and delicious for you and your loved ones.

Even better, once the pie is in the oven and the scent comes piping out of the oven — oh! Is there anything better? The scent alone can bring forth a burst of your creative self at play.

Along with the creativity, baking a pie can also lead to a felt sense of being grounded in a tactile activity that uses our hands and our hearts and minds. United in the act of creating a pie, it is an activity that holds one in the moment. So, not only is it an activity to turn toward for a creativity burst, but also to find grounding in one’s self.

There is always pie! Which type is your favorite?

Mid-Winter Flowers

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Mid Winter Flowers

Yes! This bunch of flowers have been picked just for you!

It seems a little odd to think of fresh flowers during these deep, dark January days. Unless you have a Birthday or particular celebration, flowers are not very seasonal this time of year. Even at the famous Pike Place Market here in Seattle, most of our local flower farms are selling dried stems that have a beauty all their own, but do not hold the scent and look and feel of fresh ones.

However, this is probably the time of year when we need a bouquet the most. I know Valentine’s Day is around the corner and the flowers will be pricey and in demand, but the quiet, slow, deep winter days where no flowers are to be found let alone thought about feels like the perfect time to treat one’s self or to pick a few stems for a friend or even plant a bulb inside your warm home.

Something about the flowers and their beauty can brighten an otherwise mundane day and remind each of us that the days are lengthening and that spring is not far away.

If a bunch of real flowers are simply not possible, you can definitely create a bouquet in your visual journal. Clip out all the flowers you see in your magazines and make the most beautiful arrangement of flowers you have seen. This is a simple yet wonderful way to dwell in beauty as you use your creativity and intuitive sense of what you are naturally drawn too.

Overall, flowers are alive and can be present with us throughout the days and seasons. It may be an upside down idea to have flowers in January, but that’s what makes it precious!

Dear Therapist: Procrastination Exhaustion

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Procrastination Exhaustion – It’s Real!

Dear Therapist:

I am the worst procrastinator. Ever since I can remember, I have always put off whatever I need to do. It could be anything from work projects to school papers to getting my errands run on any given day. Help! By the time my back is up against a wall and I have to get it done, I am exhausted from all the energy I put in to not having ever started in the first place. Not good. Is this hopeless or are there any ways I can mitigate my procrastination?

Wow! I hear you! I feel you! Procrastination is a bugaboo that hounds many people. Some will say this is actually how they work best, i.e. putting things off until the last minute and then being forced to get it done (and done well) in a limited period of time.

However, if it is causing you to feel exhausted so that when you have to get to the grocery store because there is no food left in the house or the paper is due tomorrow or your big work presentation is here, then it’s not an effective way to actually work and get things done. Rather, it sounds anxiety-provoking, exhausting, and overall stressful.

However, if you have been doing this for most of your life, this is not going to be an easy habit to break. So, my first tip is to go slow with this and be gentle with yourself as you work to undertake your tasks over the course of time rather than at the last minute.

Second, it is a mental trick, but one that is helpful. Back up any due date by a couple of days to a full week. If you hear that a due date is Wednesday the 10th, in your mind and in your calendars, make the due date Wednesday the 3rd. When you play this time trick, you will be left with anywhere from a few days to a whole week to get the project/paper completed without procrastinating through the actual due date.

Third, in terms of errands, make a “to do” list for any given day and stick with it. Need to pick up the shirt at the dry cleaners today for an event tomorrow? Add it to the “to do” list and get it done – so you can cross it off. Never underestimate the utter gleeful feeling of marking off an item on a list like this. If you think it will be impossible, do you have a partner, friend, roommate who is good at getting tasks done like this and would be willing to help you out? Then delegate and ask if the person can help you out. Perhaps you can offer one of your strengths to them to return the favor.

Procrastination is never fun when it leads to anxiety and exhaustion. Finding solutions to help you out of this loop is key, but remember it will take time. One last thing you may want to ask yourself — how did it all begin with anyway? Thinking about the baseline issue of how it started may also help you gain more of an understanding of yourself as you seek to change the behavior.

Here’s to completing things on time every time without stress, anxiety or exhaustion!

The Long Rope of Restlessness

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Roping in One’s Restlessness

All of us experience some level of anxiety. It’s normal. We are humans and we worry about a whole host of things – real and imagined in our minds. Most of what we are anxious over is never going to come to pass. Alternatively, it can definitely be something that is going to happen in a matter of time. Either way, how to calm one’s anxious mind amidst these stormy seas?

I have always been drawn to taking a few moments and picturing a thick, long piece of rope – sort of like the one in the picture in this post. In my mind, though, the rope is one long strand. I think about all of my worries and concerns and as I do in my mind I picture myself picking up one end of this heavy mental rope with my two hands.

I find it is hard to pick up the rope, but I struggle and pick it up. From there, I pull the rope in to myself — literally “roping in my restlessness.” As i pull it in to myself, I picture all of the knots and knobs of my worries and concerns related to whatever I am feeling anxious about.

I continue to pull the rope in to myself until I have none left, i.e. all of my concerns, cares, worries have been pulled in and gathered up. My restlessness regarding the matter is contained within me and to a large degree settled as I have faced all of the matter and pulled it in so that it does not have me flinging around in my mind making my life overwrought with anxiety, but rather I have allowed myself time to reflect, give time to the whole of the matter, and contain it within me.

All the while, I remind myself all of this will come to fruition and pass one way or another. After this little meditation, I am often able to move my mind and day on to other things that are no longer hampered by my anxious state.

Rope in your restlessness and calm your anxious mind.

Creativity Burst: Visual Journal

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It’s all about journaling these days. And usually our minds land on writing words on paper to process whatever is going on in our lives. As a writer, I certainly appreciate writing in a journal to do just this. However, for those of you who could care less about writing and words never have that much of an impact, a visual journal can be a creative and fun way to track where your mind is on any given day.

It’s also super easy, especially if you don’t think too much as you go through the exercise.

First, while perusing any visual material, i.e. magazines, newspapers, paper advertisements, have a pair of scissors on hand and clip out whatever is calling out to you. As mentioned, do not over-think this part. Simply cut out what interests you.

Second, have a large blank journal available for when the spirit moves you to engage with your visual journal, as well as a pair of scissors and some glue sticks.

When the mood strikes, pull out your journal, scissors, glue sticks and clippings and journal away using the visual medium only. From words that you have cut out to images, start to work with what you are drawn to and paste the clippings into your journal. There is no right or wrong way to do any of this.

After you have done a few pages, stop, and look over what you have created. If you haven’t given it too much thought, it may be very interesting to see what has visually arisen on the page that is all about you even though it had not yet been uncovered. This is why journaling visually without too much thinking is one of the best ways to intuitively reflect on parts of yourself that are yearning to be heard.

After you have done this over the course of several months, it is always fun to look at all of the pages and see what has been evolving over time for you. Even if you write in journals, visual journaling is a whole different endeavor which taps different parts of your brain and mind to learn more about what is going on in your internal world.

It may not only provide you with a creativity burst, but also help you attuned to your self and the place you are in today.

Grief in the Social Media Era

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Modern Day Grief

Thinking about grief over the death of a loved on, a loss of a job, a loss of a pet, and/or any other types of losses that we grieve throughout our life. And then I thought about how social media plays a role in our grieving today.

One of the first things I have noticed in this day and age is how often I hear death news via social media, particularly Facebook. I will simply be scrolling down my feed and will see that someone has died or a friend’s pet has died or someone has been given a terrible diagnosis or someone has lost his job — right there in a status update is often the most devastating news.

The second thing I notice is all of the people adding comments of sympathy, empathy, shared experiences, expressions of hope and faith, and more. Sometimes it is a tsunami of instant balm for a deep grief. Something about the “instant” and the “deep” do not seem to mesh for me, even though this is how we seem to get our news and respond these days.

There was one instance where a grade school friend of mine died very unexpectedly in a car crash headed to book group one night. This was years ago and so my friend had been in her mid-thirties and left several young children. I found the news out by her eldest child, who was around 7 years old, posting that he had lost his mommy and would now be handling her page. Wow! I was bowled over by this shocking news and felt overwhelmed for this little boy and her entire family.

Leaving a comment did not seem “right,” however, the only way I was connected to this person was through Facebook, so I posted a condolence message. I was grateful to have the news, and yet saddened that what I posted really could not convey the depth of my feelings.

It feels like grief in the era of social media has put us into some binds – ones that are often tough to navigate. As mentioned earlier, the depth of grief over such losses is often met with instant support that may come off as flippant given someone may have just found out about the loss while scrolling on their lunch break and feels like she has to say something kind before pushing on to the next update.

One thought is to wait a little while before commenting to compose what you want to say and then say it in a private message, email, or handwritten note and/or card. It may not be an instant offer of support, but taking your time to be present to your own emotions as well as to the one experiencing her grief is precious.

If you feel you need to comment, you could always write something that says something sympathetic and then an additional comment about how you will be reaching out to them in the future.

Although we live in an era of instant communication, grief is not instant. Remembering this and recognizing what we would want during our own times of pain and grief can help us better navigate learning devastating news while scrolling through our daily news feed.