Author Archives: Muffy Ruben

Dear Therapist: My Heart is on the Line

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Dear Therapist:

I told my special someone that I love her. Dang! She didn’t return the sentiment. I’m all in and she’s not. What do I do now?

Signed, Heart On the Line

How courageous to have acted on how you felt and let your partner know. Sometimes this is the only way to open up dialogue about where the two of you are in relation to one another.

I hear how “out there” you feel given your partner has not returned her love to you. It may be a good idea to take an honest assessment of the situation – were you surprised or not? Do you feel you are on the same page with one another or did you feel that you are more invested in the two of you than your partner?

These types of questions can help you discern how you are feeling both on the surface and underneath as well. If you are in love with someone, it is natural to express it with freedom and truth. That turning toward love is worthy. Now that you know it is not returned to you in the same way, you can decide how you want to proceed with your partner and/or on your own.

This is a crossroads moment in many ways. Are you willing to wait and see if your feelings will be returned? Is it not enough to be the only one feeling the love at this point? How does your partner feel about your love? Is it prompting her to draw closer or further away from you? Notice how you are feeling as you interact and observe what is happening between the two of you.

Yes, your heart is on the line and now, because of your courageous expression of love, your partner’s truth is also on the line. What you notice and observe about yourself, your partner, and the two of you together will be key to the next steps you take.

How to Show Love Now and Always

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Presence is Key!

What’s the key to love?

Haven’t poets and authors and actors waxed and waned over the years as to how to show the person you love that you indeed love her?

There is always a laundry list of “ways to show love” and “things you can do to show love.” Ah, these lists are full of small and large gestures, words to use, and presents to give the other. So many good ideas, but I am also amazed at how often it is all about the doing and very little around being.

Being together and being present to the other seems to me to be the number one way to show your partner how much you love her. That’s right — no big money, no big outside gesture, no prescribed words – just you being with your partner. Completely.

This is so difficult to do that most of us are running to those lists for the big outer thing we can do to show it — anything to avoid actually being completely attuned to another.

And, yet, isn’t that what many of us yearn for on a day-to-day basis. Someone greeting us when we come home at night and listening deeply and intently to our words and responding in kind in ways that make us feel heard, understood, and cherished.

Or when we wake up in the morning. Someone asking us how we slept, did we dream, how are you feeling as the day begins?

Or midday, your partner calls you in the middle of it all and says, “How’s it going? and then waits to hear all about it. Then, lends a reassuring statement like, “Can’t wait to hear more tonight.”

Can you imagine having your partner’s presence throughout your day such as this? Talk about showing love and the other receiving and feeling it. Even better if both partners can strive for this type of presence with one another.

The number one way to show your love is being present to the other with all of your being.

Try it – it’s so significant and transformative.

Creativity Burst: A Homemade Valentine

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It’s a week for showing people whom you love that you indeed love them. There are many ways to show someone you love her. The stores are chock full of cards, chocolates, lace, and more pink and red goods than you could ever imagine. It’s fun to stroll around and take in what has become an overly commercialized holiday.

For me, it’s inspiring to become creative and go old school. Do you remember being in elementary school and making a bright box to receive all of the Valentines from your friends at school? I believe the school rule was everyone in a class had to give a Valentine to everyone else. It was a holiday that was designed to include everyone.

You may be making a similar box for your children’s celebration, as well as picking out and/or creating Valentine cards for your kids’ friends. However, I suggest you pause right there and think about your own partner and friends and become curious with the idea of how they would feel to receive a Valentine from you?

My guess is — thrilled! When was the last time you received something handmade — let alone a Valentine? Yes, you can buy a box of cards, write a kind note, and send them off. Even using a readymade card can lead to feeling creative. Putting heartfelt words to paper, addressing the envelopes, stamping the cards, and mailing them off is certainly old school. It’s a delightful tradition.

Even more creative? Cutting out a paper heart and sending it in the mail or hand-delivering it to your partner and/or nearby friends. A hand-delivered Valentine that you cut out yourself? My word, the creativity is bursting forth.

We always think that simple correspondence projects like this would land flat, but the opposite is true. Most people never even expect a card like this in the mail — talk about putting a spring in someone’s step. I wonder how that person’s day may change and how she will move forward in her day?

Second, for you, working with paper and scissors can reignite pleasurable, old time memories that can allow one to embody one’s creativity and share the gift with one’s partner, family, and friends. It’s simple really. Add it on to the time you are spending helping your kids do their own Valentines or just take a little time, pull out some paper and scissors and a bright colored pen, and create!

Now is the time to show love!

Puppy Love

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Puppy Love

We can learn so much from our pets, particularly if you have dogs. I have nothing against cats – I even have one of my own – but there is something about how a dog, one’s loyal companion, interacts with you that can heal a broken heart, extend love, provide companionship when we are lonely, witness all of ourselves, protect fiercely, and love honestly.

Dogs are authentically themselves. You really don’t have to think too much about what they are thinking, will they or will they not be there for you, harsh judgment, a snippy reply and many other human foibles we all make each every day.

The beauty of being with our dogs can teach us how to be better for ourselves and for one another. I often think if I just took a page from my dog’s book, I would find my days easy to walk through and I would constantly be bringing good to others and our world.

This week, as we celebrate love, don’t forget your pets. Embrace them and be curious as to how much your pooch can teach you as you relate to the others in your life.

Dear Therapist: Love Is In the Air

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Love is in the Air!

Dear Therapist:

It’s one week until Valentine’s Day – to say that “love is in the air” is an understatement! Everyone is making plans, has plans, completely gaga over someone — ugh! I got no one! I’m not writing because I feel sorry for myself, although I do sometimes. More to the point, how do I get through this week when I feel completely left out.

Signed, One Lovely Heart

Yeah, I get it. Not only do I understand, I have been there myself. Haven’t we all had a year or two or three where everyone it seemed was completely in love and over the moon struck with the love bug — except you? It happens. Ugh is right!

However, these days, like all holidays, love is measured beyond only romantic love. Yes, Cupid was traditionally associated with romance between partners, but anymore love is celebrated among friends, family, and community. It is a time to bask in the glow of love — of all.

And does our world ever need this more thane ever? How to ease a heart that doesn’t have a special someone this week? Expand your thought of who a special someone is in your life?

Who is your best friend, who did something for you awhile ago that you completely appreciated, who is faithful and loyal to you, who makes you laugh, who can you call up and see the same shows you both adore — all of these people, and more, are special someones.

Celebrate them and your relationship with that person. Perhaps send a text, a note, an emoji, share a song, share a candy — whatever you have to celebrate these relationships in your life. I know it is not exactly the hot romantic dinner date that Valentine’s is supposed to promise with someone you over the moon for, but expanding out beyond this notion can really help engage you in the spirit of this loving holiday.

Celebrate LOVE with all whom you share it with this week.

Creativity Burst: Compliments

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Yes you are all of those things and more. Let me be the first person to shower you with compliments today. It’s good for me and my spirit to do so — I definitely feel a burst of creativity when I see someone in his best light and share that thought with him.

For me, as people walk by me on any given day, I notice them. Do you? I see some amazing color they are wearing or their sweet dog they are walking or how good their hair looks and on and on. Even though these people are complete strangers to me, I share my thought with them, giving them a compliment.

I figure no matter what is going on in their day, hearing someone appreciate some part of them can only do good by that person and really all of humanity. How could one compliment get so big? Well, when that person feels good, he may pull his head up and notice someone else, extend a complement and the chain continues on. All of a sudden, you have a bunch of people – random strangers – connected to one another by appreciation and goodness.

And it does lead to creativity. Perhaps it is difficult to find something good about others who you see walking by. Perhaps there is a critical voice inside that thinks everyone walking by looks like an idiot, as an example. Well, then, noticing that this is how you view the other is a great moment to get creative and find something you like. That’s right, find something. Perhaps it’s too much to tell the other person, but finding something good creatively in the other person is a start.

For those of us whom it comes naturally to give away compliments, take that energy and give some compliments to yourself. Another problem we sometimes have is noticing the good in everyone else and actively calling it out to others, but then denying ourselves those kind thoughts from ourselves to ourselves. It is a wonderfully creative idea to think about what you are wearing or how you are feeling and give yourself the compliment. This may also not be easy, but it’s another way to cultivate creativity within.

Now, who will I compliment next?

Treat Yourself

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It’s the first Monday of February Nothing is really special today. I woke up to realize it is still winter. Still gloomy. Still rainy. We are in a Leap Year, so February offers us 29 days this year – still short by a full day. February always feels short and sweet to me, but it is indeed regular time.

So, why would today or this week be one where you would treat yourself?

Well, exactly for this reason! Life is not offering up a particular holiday to celebrate, spring is still a ways off, and a month of 2020 has already slipped away. To capture the day and the moments in these ordinary days, it is important to make them memorable in your own way. Treating yourself is good for the soul on days like this.

What is a treat? I actually looked up images for treats and all it showed me was Halloween Tricks and Treats – what? Is that all American society thinks about when we hear the word treat?

For me, a treat is anything that I look forward to –perhaps it is that special coffee drink that you indulge in occasionally, or a piece of your favorite chocolate, perhaps it’s giving and receiving a foot massage, maybe you are going to whip up something delicious or – better yet- eat something sweet and rich.

A treat is something – big or small, can takes a lot of time or mere moments – but it is something special fo you to indulge in right in this moment.

What are you waiting for? Go ahead and treat yourself! (No tricks needed!)

Dear Therapist: Maintaining Those Resolutions

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How’s It Going With Those Resolutions?

Dear Therapist:

I made a few resolutions this year. It’s the end of January and I feel like I have pretty much stopped doing them all at this point. I know it’s common enough and it’s almost February. Should I let them go or try to recommit to them again?

This is definitely a common feeling right around this point in the New Year. The excited feeling of creating something new for yourself – whether that be better health or a new habit like reading more – 31 days in and we are reminded just how hard it is to change and make something new stick.

Here’s the first thing I suggest. No matter which way you go – either to keep on trying or to let them go – be kind to yourself. In the totality of the journey we are on, it doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. Do not use this decision to beat yourself up or be miserable.

Second, think about it. You mention you made several resolutions. Often, trying to change too many habits at once is too much and we need to enter the zone gradually. Is there one that feels really good continuing to pursue? Alternatively, do you want to keep pursuing them all and simply recognize the lull in changing? Or do you want to just let them all be and go back to your comfortable ways?

Any of these choices are valid and fine. It really has to do with you and what intuitively feels right as to how you will continue on.

Perhaps you are going to carve out a middle ground for yourself — something beyond any of those options.

Let’s say you had resolved to go to the gym five times per week. Perhaps you do not stick with any set number, but notice when you do go to the gym and count it as a time you cared well for yourself and felt good about going without the pressure of the artificial number. Basically, noticing the changes as they are organically happening. You may have more success taking the pressure off yourself.

Tomorrow, February dawns in 2020. Some of us are continuing the resolutions, many of us are not, and some are in-between. Wherever you are, make the decision that feels right for you at this moment, knowing there is space to change.

Who Are You Living For Anyway?

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Life Your Way

I often hear people say they are living life for others. It’s so common that people say it without even giving it a second thought. It’s also something people say in plain, clear language:

  • It’s the kids I live for.
  • It’s work that gives my whole life meaning.
  • My spouse/partner makes my life worthwhile.
  • My parents need me.

It’s so common in American society — and actually this is true in most parts of the world – to live for anyone but yourself.

Have you ever heard someone say, “I live life for me.”

If you have, what was your first thought? I can think of many first thoughts in response to this little phrase, including:

  • Gee, that’s selfish.
  • How does he do that?
  • What’s wrong with him?
  • How shallow – no wonder he is alone.

Somewhere along the way living life for ourselves in our unique way became a problem for most people. Perhaps it was our parents who taught us and modeled for us being responsible and adjusting ourselves to please others? Perhaps it is easier to give one’s life over to some outside force, such as work, to not have to make decisions about one’s life? Perhaps we have experience with handing our power over to our partners and living for them rather than ourselves?

There are any number of reasons we live for everyone else and thing rather than ourselves. To put ourselves first is risky as we may be seen as selfish and unable to handle the responsibility called life.

So, how do we live for ourselves while also not being seen as “bad” or a “lone wolf?” Well, it’s all about you. We can never control how another will think of us, but we can control how we think of ourselves. Living life for you doesn’t mean you are selfish, but rather that you are embracing the highest form of you to contribute to the world, your community, and relationships. By being true to yourself, you aid the world in moving one step closer to authenticity. You also serve as a role model for others who are striving to do the same, i.e. to live an authentic life.

It is all in how we frame it for ourselves. Next time we are asked what or who we are living for, pause for a moment before you reply.

Who are you living for today?

Creativity Burst: Laughter

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I Love to Laugh!

A few years ago I was walking through my local park and I noticed a small group gathered in a circle. The people were all standing close to one another and they were — of all things – laughing. All sorts of laughter was happening actually. I didn’t want to stop and stare at this circle of laughter, but, as I kept walking, I would hear their roars of laughter and I — all of a sudden – felt clear headed with a spring in my step.

How can it be? Well, come to find out there is a whole science around Laughter Yoga. As you can tell, if you happened to follow that link, laughter can be pretty prescribed. Who is there? How far do people stand apart from one another? What types of laughter? How to open and close the session of laughter? I suppose it is like any yoga practice — even laughter takes discipline.

How about laughter for laughter’s sake? Plain old simple laughing aloud when the spirit moves you.

Now this can’t always be possible, but it is amazing how often laughing can be employed with it adding something positive to the interaction rather than taking away from it. One of the most common engagements like this would be an argument. Imagine! You are right there in the heat of the argument and the other party laughs. Now, one can think to himself, “Is this person mocking me or not taking me seriously?” and the laughing gets a bad rap. How about the other person simply wanted to break the tension?

Laughter, whether experienced on one’s own, in community, or only with one other, changes the dynamic of how we feel and how we are interacting. It is a reminder to not take anything that seriously, as well as a way to connect to many who may be vastly different from you.

Have you ever laughed and someone replied, “What? Do you think that’s funny?” And the person is fuming mad. What to do? Perhaps laugh some more.

Laughter is a way to creatively let off steam, break up a harsh argument, join someone in their feelings, or simply look at the sunny side of life. Full bodied laughter often involves movement, which then spurs creativity. We find ourselves laughing with others or on our own.

Feeling sluggish? Laugh! Go to your favorite funny YouTube video, play it, and laugh. Join in a laughing yoga session if you can. Beak up seriousness with a laugh. Find creative ways to interject laughter into your daily life and watch your creativity unfold.