Making Space for Grief

Posted on July 20, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

All the talk these days on the news is around school — will it begin this fall or not? It was one thing for school to end super early — like even before Spring Break — but quite another to not have it start this fall. Could this be a possibility?

Leadership in America says the schools must reopen, but are leaving it to the States to figure out how to do so safely. Is it safe? Many states are saying no completely or yes to some modified type of schedule other states, and others are going to let school open as normal and deal with the consequences later. It’s all really confusing, especially for the children.

Here’s what I think is important — no matter where you live or what you have decided as a family to do to move forward with educating your children this fall — grief is a major part of this process. Making space for grief as your children learn what is going to happen with school this fall is very important. You may eventually come up with an exciting plan for your kids, i.e. homeschool or additional innovative resources for them to take in that are cool — but there is no doubt that your children are experiencing a major loss in their lives.

If you are questioning if this is true or not, think back for a moment to your own childhood and what school meant to you. My guess is it was a lot more than learning. It was your friendships, teachers, mentors, classroom antics, lunchroom escapades, after school activities, sports, laughter, hanging out and being whatever you are as you are growing up — away from your family. The freedom school affords kids from their home environments cannot be underestimated and it has been – up until now – a critical part of childhood and growing up.

For now, this is being lost to kids. You can try to sugarcoat it and make it as positive as you want, but I think a step before moving into this terrain is growing space and capacity to allow children to discuss all that they are losing, missing, angry about as decisions are made for the fall. Helping children embrace these feelings is not only important for this moment, but it models for kids that it is OK to feel grief when something is lost. One does not need to run to an emotional space of positivity which may deny the very real feelings of anger, grief, and sadness.

Parents sometimes have difficulty embracing these feelings for themselves. However, helping children grieve what is lost is critical at this moment. If your kids go back to school, but not all their friends are there because some parents kept their kids at home, this is loss. If your kids are going to learn on-line all year, this is a huge loss. If your kids are going to go to school on some days and not others, this is loss.

This time is unusual, uncomfortable, and difficult. Help your children make space for grief that they are feeling to move through to a place where what is positive can be genuinely felt without it just being a pretend mask of being OK with what is a significant loss in their lives.

Dear Therapist: Communicating Needs to Your Partner

Posted on July 17, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

Dear Therapist:

Recently, I had a heart-to-heart talk with my partner about a need I have that I had never told her about — she felt terrible thinking that for the entirety of our relationship she had let me down. I think that’s a bit extreme, but it became a big issue. Weeks later she brought it up again and this time she asked, “Why haven’t you asked me if there is something else I need from you too?” This took me aback. Imagine my surprise when I finally asked and she responded, “No, nothing.” Is she joking? What should I make of this?

Sincerely, Hanging on My Needs

Wow! This is one for the communication books indeed. How do we communicate our needs to our partner? What is the right timing? Also, should we assume if our partner is not meeting our needs that we may not be meeting theirs as well? Should we always consider opening it up to not only speaking our needs, but asking about the other’s needs too? So many questions.

If this is a new relationship, it may have taken you awhile to realize which of your needs are not being met to even be able to articulate them to the other. It sounds like you have decided to be “all in” and that feels like a time to start discussing one’s essential relationship needs.

It sounds as though this was a difficult conversation that had you both upset. First, you are explaining something difficult to your partner. In return, your partner has to hear what you are saying. If it’s been awhile that you have been together, it may be hard to hear and one may get defensive.

It is out of this type of set-up that I think it is important to ask the question to your partner. “Is she having all of her needs met by you?” Now that you hear it this way perhaps you feel vulnerable to the answer. Where will that conversation lead? Everybody likes to have the illusion of meeting their partners’ needs. Rarely is it the case that our partner does meet them all, but expressing what is most important to let them become aware to try and meet your needs feels important.

Do keep in mind that no one person can meet our every need. Is this need a make or break deal? Or is it a need that you can get fulfilled elsewhere or by yourself? There is always the give and take in the relationship. My guess is this need you have expressed is really important to you and needed to be expressed.

It is sort of a shock to hear that there is no need of your partner’s that is not being fulfilled. However, take note! She wanted you to offer her the opportunity to tell you if there was something not being met. So, she wants two-way communication with you regarding both of your needs.

Recognizing our needs and communicating them to our partner in a way that moves the relationship forward and does not hurt the other is key to growing together as a couple. The risk is worth it even if there is fear of what you will hear or how the other will react.

Dear Therapist: Why are they talking about me?

Posted on July 10, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

Dear Therapist,

I get the feeling that people often are thinking about me — and not in a good way. Rather, although they are nice to my face, they actually can’t stand me. I hate this feeling. Should I confront them or let it be? What’s the use anyway?

Sincerely, The Talk of the Town

This is a great question — one that many people worry about. Are people talking about me in a bad way behind my back?

Yes, they may be. However, it’s also eye-opening to realize that many people don’t spend that much time thinking about you. It may feel like they are and perhaps when you come up in conversation they are discussing you, but for the most part, I have found, that people are talking about themselves, what is happening in their lives, and maybe a bit about someone else if the person comes up under the first two categories.

There is both relief and disappointment in this idea.

First, relief! I remember the first time somebody told me most people are not thinking about me in the least. I could basically just be me and not be worried in the least about what others thought about me or were thinking about me because they weren’t thinking about me at all. Freedom!

Second, disappointment. “What do you mean they aren’t thinking about me? Aren’t they supposed to by my good friends who love me, but also pass lots of judgement over me?” To be able to recognize that you are not the center of other people’s thoughts and conversations can be disappointing indeed, especially if you are putting in a lot of energy toward these thoughts.

What to do? Take heart. Most people are not thinking about you. And if and when they are, it may be that they are saying good things and not just the bad stuff that you are worried about. To help drive this point a little further, how often are you thinking about others and talking about them? If you say all of the time, then take one step further and ask, “In what context?” Are you thinking about them as related to you? Often when we are talking about others we are really talking about ourselves.

Talking about others happens all the time, and yet sometimes it doesn’t happen at all or not in the context you are thinking of, but rather in relation to something about themselves. Taking this in and accepting it can lead to not only freedom, but also disappointment. Use your own mind to reflect on how you talk about others and make change there first before looking to change others.

Your Favorite Day of the Week

Posted on July 9, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

Do you have a favorite day of the week? If so, which day is it and why?

It’s a little thing to notice, but there are 52 weeks in a year and so you have 52 favorite days in any given year for you to enjoy and relish. Yet, you first have to know it is your favorite day and why so you can celebrate it with gusto.

You may think it would be a weekend day, like Saturday or Sunday, but it doesn’t have to be one of those days. After all, some people work these days, have to do errands, or any number of other things that keep the weekend days from being favorites.

Others may love the hump day or Friday — closer to the weekend perhaps?

Some may even love Monday! When I owned my own tech business, I always woke up with a spring in my step on Monday mornings — ready to go!

Perhaps it’s a random day like a Tuesday because that is your day off. Whichever day it is for you, name it that, and relish it. For me, my favorite has to be Sunday — yes, it is a weekend day. Usually, it is slower than Saturday, which means there is less to do and I feel completely within my rights to take a long, languishing nap on the couch on a Sunday. Sometimes there are fun events on a Sunday, sometimes there is nothing to do and that’s fine by me.

It’s also the day that I am anticipating the new week to unfold. What will it bring? I can reflect on the past week and anticipate the new with some mindfulness. Of course, the alarm rings off shortly after Sunday and it’s “just another manic Monday,” but I feel like I had a rest. I call Sunday my favorite day of the week and I enjoy.

So, which day is your favorite?

Creativity Burst: Sunflower Seeds

Posted on July 7, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

Sunflower seeds – not that exciting by themselves, as are most seeds. However, think of this creative idea as planting sunshine.

We are limited in what we can do these days, but here is a quick and fun idea to do with your family. Head to your local nursery and purchase some packets of sunflower seeds.

From there, take a drive and sprinkle the seeds as you drive along. This would be best to do on a rural or country road near to where you live. Sprinkle away. If you have kids this could be quite entertaining.

That’s all! Now you have to wait for your sunshine to grow. Whether it be later in the season or next year, take a drive and take in the view of the sunshine you planted long ago. The seeds will take hold and grow. Almost a miracle.

You could also do this in your own back yard or neighborhood if you want to see your results closer to home, but I think a refreshing drive out to the country where you scatter sunflower seeds and then get to see them later is such a quaint idea. It’s one that takes both hope and patience. Whenever we plant, it is an act of not knowing if something will bloom – or not.

Just like in our lives we plant many seeds, but then we often don’t know what is going to take hold and bloom. But we plant and scatter seeds and live in hope that what we put our attention to will bloom. It’s all an act of faith.

Plant some sunshine this summer and wait. What bloomed? Perhaps you.

A Summer Bucket List

Posted on July 6, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

The Fourth of July is over. How can it be? My Grandmother always said once the 4th is over, summer is over. I always disagreed, but inevitably I would blink and it would be fall and we would be heading back to school. Summer feels fleeting.

That’s why it may take some intention to make the most of the season, especially during this pandemic year. The months have just sort of slipped away as we have been under quarantine. Now, restrictions are lifting, but many still remain in place. And even if places are opening, it doesn’t mean that you want to engage.

So, this is a unique year to create a Summer Bucket List that suits how you are feeling and how you want to enjoy summer this year. For many, travel is off the table or rather people are taking near-to-home road trips. Perhaps that is on your summer bucket list? Heading off for a little get away near your home.

Perhaps planting a garden or tending your flowers and yard is on your bucket list. The planting probably should have been done by now, but caring for your yard is an on-going task. Taking time to dig in the dirt, care for plants and flowers, and gussying up one’s yard are all grounding tasks that can take advantage of the weather and season.

Maybe this is the year to complete an outdoor renovation project, like building a deck or putting in a shed to organize yourself. All this time at home has certainly allowed us to see what we would like to improve about it, and now that we are living in our yards with the summer season, perhaps your attention heads to a juicy project to complete this season.

Maybe you are canning and preserving your favorite summer fruits and vegetables for the fall and winter? This is an old fashioned art that may delight you this season. It’s definitely from yesterday year, but again there is something satisfying with taking the summer’s bounty and preserving it for your future enjoyment on cold, dark days.

What’s on my Summer Bucket List? I have a few things:

Hike obscure trails near my home with my family.
Revisit classic books.
Care for my flowers — how much will they bloom before summer’s end?
Renovating my home – much needed. Even undertaking it feel gigantic.
Spending quality time with my pets – we are welcoming a puppy later this year and so being with my current furry friends before chaos arrives feels really important.

Feels like quite a list given I’ve got about 10 weeks left of summer. Here’s to creating a Summer Bucket List and checking off a few items between now and fall.

Dear Therapist: Birthday Blues

Posted on July 3, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

Dear Therapist:

My Birthday is coming up and perhaps its the pandemic or other issues going on in society, but I don’t feel in the mood to celebrate — at all. I think I may have the Birthday blues. Any thoughts on how to get into the mood to celebrate and look forward to my new year?

Sincerely, Singing the Birthday Blues

Although it may feel strange to have a Birthday coming up and not be that excited for your day, it is more common than you may think — even without the pandemic and societal unrest. A Birthday comes around and it is supposed to be a time to celebrate big and be happy and often it can feel like a moment to look back and be disappointed in the past year or worry about the upcoming year. Finally, it can just be a reminder that you are another year older without much having changed in life.

Now, add in the pandemic and the social unrest and I certainly can see why you may be singing the Birthday Blues this year. And if that is how you feel, letting that be OK is key. Think of it as a gift you can give yourself this year. If you are not in the mood to celebrate your big day, that is fine. Let it be fine.

At the same time, others may still want to celebrate you. Feel free to let them know you aren’t feeling it too much this year, but allow people to celebrate you if they want to. Who knows? Although you may not feel in the mood to celebrate, someone bringing a cake and candles over may lighten your mood and cause a shift in your mood. Being open to this shift can be difficult when we are not in a celebratory mood, but holding space for a little something positive can prove beneficial as well.

The truth is Birthday Blues are real. Society and friends and family often ask us to push these feelings away as we are “supposed” to be happy on our Birthday, but letting it be OK to not be in a great mood, accepting it, remaining open to some surprises that may still arise, and moving on from your day without anticipation of the next one being bad are all ways to manage feeling a little depressed on your Birthday.

Although I hear you are not in the mood to celebrate, Happy Birthday to you!

Welcome Summer

Posted on June 29, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

The summer solstice occurred little over a week ago — does that mean we are already losing light each day?

I suppose it does, and given how short this season always feels, it is wonderful to get outside and enjoy each moment this summer. We have been cooped up in quarantine for months across the nation. There is still every reason to be cautious, but being able to get outdoors and enjoy this beautiful season — with a mask on and social distance in place — feels particularly special this year.

Even when I walk around my own neighborhood, I see the wonderful summer flowers in bloom and many raspberries on the vine ripening as well. Oh, is there anything that says summer like berries on the vine? In the Pacific NW, it is one of the many marvels we have each summer season. And I don’t even need to go anywhere special to find them. Just walk out my door and notice.

There is much upset and unrest in our lives and communities right now. This is why it is even more important to notice summer. To take time to breathe in her beauty and be present to all that is being offered to all of us at this moment. If we don’t notice, we miss it.

Be Present and Welcome Summer.

How Helplessness Serves Us

Posted on June 25, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

Helplessness is not something that any of us aspire to, right? To be helpless is to feel out of control, unable to make a difference, and a general feeling of being useless to improve a situation.

Not good, right? Most of us seek to feel and be helpful to ourselves and others in our community. However, sometimes we use helplessness as a defense to not have to take responsibility for ourselves and actions. We may not even be conscious of doing this, but we claim “We didn’t know,” or “We didn’t know what to do” or “I’ve never had to deal with this before,” and more.

Whenever you hear yourself or others saying these types of phrases, raising your consciousness that you have said such a thing and becoming curious about what may or may not be going on is essential. Perhaps you truly are helpless in a situation but perhaps, in order to not have to fully engage, you say these things to get distance and not have to take ownership.

All of us have taken this stance at one time or another. When we are out of our comfort zone, we often feel helpless. There is nothing wrong with the feeling. Actually, making peace with a feeling of helplessness is important. From there, instead of making excuses to gain that distance and get out from uncomfortable situations, we can move in and tolerate feelings of not knowing and how this may shake us to the core. However, it can also lead us to tolerating this state and move toward trying to figure it out so we can be helpful and feel we can do something about a situation.

With the Black Lives Matter Movement, this is a place where we may feel helpless. In feeling this, we may just close our eyes to the pain in our society, we may run away, we may try to adhere to a neutral stance, or just check out. Instead of taking these actions, feeling our helplessness and moving toward it to greater understanding can move us out of using our helplessness to keep us distant, in denial. and upholding the systems in place as they are.

Replacing helplessness with curiosity is key to openings for ourselves, our community, and to creating systems that incorporate the entire society. Next time you feel helpless instead of running away, run in and engage, open up to curiosity, and see where this may take you to a place where you can feel helpful.

Creativity Burst: A Positive List for a Negative Habit

Posted on June 23, 2020 by Muffy Ruben

How can a positive list change any type of negative habit?

Well, it’s a creative exercise indeed to flip something we criticize ourselves for on its head and see the positive side, i.e. what may be the part of the habit we deemed as negative as something that is giving us something we are missing, longing for, and enacting that feels good.

Usually the way we interact with our bad habits and patterns is to criticize ourselves for having formed and maintained the habits. I often have found the more negative, critical talk about these habits, the more they take hold. Which is the exact opposite of what we want in our heads as we often seek to not do these very things again and again. However, what else to do, but to talk negatively to one’s self and keep up the habit of the negative behavior.

So, it may take a little effort to do this, but if you look at this idea as a creative exercise then it may not feel difficult at all. Also, it will allow for a break from the negativity toward self. In concept, the idea is simple. Take a few moments with yourself and sit down with a pen and paper in hand. From there, write at the top of the page — or wherever on the page — your bad habit or pattern.

Now, instead of thinking about all the bad you think you are for doing this habit and also how you judge the habit to be bad in and of itself — flip it! — and think about all of the good things that you get from doing this habit from the little to the big things. My guess is there is something positive that far outweighs the negative of engaging the pattern or habit that keeps it active for you.

After you see all that is positive in this negative habit, treat yourself compassionately. There are reasons that are valid that drive us to take on “bad” habits and behaviors. By allowing yourself to be compassionate and extending loving kindness may help you get more in touch with how this may be a way for you to express your anger, handle your anxiety, regulate your stress and more. No one action or thing is all bad. Opening up space to look at the positive part of whatever it is may help you tolerate the habit and it may also loosen some of the grip it has on your life.

This is a creative way to approach a bad habit or pattern. Give it a try and see what alights upon you. I hope compassion and kindness above all to yourself.

Muffy Ruben Counseling

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