Money Anxiety

Money Anxiety with Girl and her Bills

Money anxiety! Is it ever real these days. Not only are we in a pandemic dealing with a huge health crisis, but also one that has lead to economic insecurity for a majority of Americans. I don’t think I can ever remember a time in US history since I have been alive where people en mass lose their jobs in an instant. That’s right — one minute people are working for business serving the needs of people in society, the next an order has come down that closes all business for no set time frame.

The message — Go home until the virus recedes. Now, not only do we have to worry about our health and that of our family and friends, but also how we will survive and pay our bills. Some relief is on the way after weeks of negotiation at the federal level, but it’s one-time check without a lot of certainty of when this will end. It will no doubt help, but it’s not the complete answer to our money anxiety.

Most people have a pile of bills to pay – not only rent, utilities, and food, but also many other expenses that may include school and child care, insurance, and many other everyday expenses to keep life moving along on time and paid in full. For most Americans, all of these expenses are paid out of what we earn. If we aren’t earning there is no money to be able to pay our obligations. Further, most Americans have no extra money to save for times like these. We are a nation of people who live paycheck to paycheck. Many are living close to the edge of their money budget even when things hum along.

Bring along a pandemic that closes all business for weeks with no end in sight and people’s money anxiety takes hold in a way that almost feels like strangulation. Now what?

Well, the first thing to remember is you are not alone. Almost everyone is in the same boat. Often when we don’t have enough money to meet our bills and obligations, we feel shame with the thought that everyone else can manage well, but us. Such thoughts can be dropped when we feel we are in good company with the majority of society. We are not alone.

Next, in order to calm anxiety, particularly around money, it is important to sit down and look at one’s budget. That’s right. Many people don’t even know how much money they have and where it is going. Now is the time time get out pencil and paper and track one’s spending to see where it is all going. During this time, much of the way you spend money may no longer be relevant. Eating out, movies and other entertainment is closed off to all of us. That is money that you will no longer spend.

Track what you will still need to spend to live – rent, utilities, and food. Those are the basics for now. How much money do you have to cover these categories? How much do you need? Once you have these questions answered, it is time to get on the phone to your creditors to see what you can work out as far as payments during this time without interest and penalties. This is the time to advocate for yourself.

Once you drop any shame over your money situation and have done all you can to cut expenses and negotiate with your creditors, it is time to bring a mindful approach to the situation. This will not last. A new day may dawn where things do not look exactly the same as before, but that time is not here yet. Grounding one’s self in the present moment and shoring up a sense of security in the now is what is required. Do you have all you need for today? It is important to not get too ahead of one’s self here. Be in the now and think about your money security in the present.

It is an acute time for money anxiety, Sharing your stories, recognizing you are not alone, taking stock of your budget, and taking action to reduce expenses and payments are all concrete steps you can take to ease your money anxiety. Further, practicing being in the moment will also help ease the concerns you have for tomorrow.

Creativity Burst: Tune Translation for the Times

Girl listens to tunes to translate for the times

What can get all of us through a particularly stressful time? Listening to favorite music seems to be a way to not only relax, but also take our minds to other times and places that are pleasurable. I am amazed when a song comes on that was popular back when I was 14 and I can remember a specific memory from that time as though it was a moment ago, Music transports us, uplifts us, and can cause a happy affect.

Now, how to use music during a time like this? I tried something this past week that really not only got me thinking about my favorite songs, but how to spoof them to fit the times. I made a series of very brief video clips with me singing a refrain from the song that I changed to meet these pandemic times.

One of the songs I sang to was the catchy tune,”Can’t Touch This.” I danced like a crazy bird and just snag the refrain a few times and then said, “Pandemic, Can’t touch me!” Completely silly and fun. Putting it up on social media took some guts, but I figured others could use some hilarity to their days.

I decided to record a few more. First, I had to think of some favorite tunes that matched the times and have the chance to change a word or two, record it, and post it. My mind really got excited to take on this little project for a few days in a row. It lead me to have a burst of creativity to be sure.

Like,”I’m not leaving on a jet plane, Don’t know when I will go again, Oh, Babe, I wish I could go.”

Ha! The proper translation of this song during these times. I think it would be so fun for people to come up with their song lines that match these times, sing it, record, and post. All of us not only would give ourselves a good laugh, but a burst of creativity too.

Give it a try and “Don’t hand me no lines, and keep your hands to yourself!” (Another creative song adaptation for good measure!)

Missing Milestones

Students may be missing milestones like dancing at Prom

It seems that this is going to be a year when high school and college students are going to be missing milestones in their lives. As an adult looking back, proms, senior year antics, and graduation ceremonies feel like distant memories that I do not attach much importance to. However, if I were to be a high school or college senior at this moment in time I would feel a whole lot of negative emotions thinking I was about to be robbed of all of the celebrations I have worked so hard for the past few years.

When I think back on that time in my life, around April through mid-June life revolves around so many fun activities that mark the end of a long journey even as we start to look forward to the next stage of our lives. During this pandemic, people are being forced to stay home and away from friends, any activities that have to do with groups of people are forbidden, and schools look to be out until September. I hear that most will have their degrees mailed to them. Goodbye and Good Luck without any pomp or circumstance.

This is tough!

If you are living with a high school senior or have a college senior back at home this spring, it is important for you to help them navigate this time that surely feels disappointing. As they are missing milestones, how can you help them navigate this disappointing time and mark it uniquely within your family? These are the questions of the moment.

First, allow your child to vent, be angry, express disappointment and anger at the entire situation. Invite these feelings and be present to them. What your young adult is feeling is real and being able to make space and validate these feelings is important. If you are having a difficult time empathizing, remember back to how you felt during these important moments. It may feel long ago and not so important, but at the time it was everything. Recalling your own experience at that time, may help you hold space for your children to vent without feeling the need to shut them down.

Second, don’t jump the gun and think all is lost. Perhaps all will be cancelled, perhaps it will all be postponed — most of us don’t know exactly what is going to happen. It is difficult to live with uncertainty and not be able to make any definitive plans for these celebrations. Rather, one has to just take it day-by-day and be in the moment. So difficult at this time.

Third, if the special events are called off, finding creative ways to celebrate may be called for not only by you, but the entire school community. Perhaps a virtual prom is held as well as a virtual graduation ceremony. I am not sure if these types of events are in the works, but perhaps you could call the school/ PTA or whomever to inquire as to how this end of school could be marked in community with one another without being physically close to one another. If nothing is going to take place via the school, perhaps your own community of friends and families can get together virtually and mark the occasion together. One thing, it will be unforgettable.

Finally, make sure that you, as a family, mark the occasion of graduation. Perhaps you delay the party until it is safe or simply have a family celebration with cake and well wishes and creative gifts. Perhaps you create a video to mark the day. Technology can very much be our friend during such a time. Make sure to make time and make it a big deal for your graduate!

All is not lost during this time that may bring your senior to missing milestones in their school career. However, by allowing space for them to share their feelings, looking into what can be done at a school/community level, and marking it personally will help make the occasions special this season. Hold on to what is important and make sure to not forget even as society battles this pandemic.

Dear Therapist: Stuck in a Role

Happy woman cooking dinner

Dear Therapist,

I am married and living a traditional married life in many ways. Although I work outside the home, I also do most of the cooking and cleaning. My Mom did the same and it never looked that hard for her when I was a kid. Now, in the role, not only is it hard, I am not that interested. I am stuck in the role of “wife” and don’t know how to break out? Help!

Sincerely, Sick and Tired of Cooking & Cleaning

How easy it is to not only pick up on roles that society expects of us when we take on the role of wife, but also act on them without any thought whether or not you want the role. If you saw your Mother play this role in your family, it may be even more difficult to break out of something that just doesn’t suit you.

However, you are looking to break out and so you are recognizing that there is a choice other than being stuck in a prescribed role. There are two parts to making the change.

First, getting honest with yourself. What do you want your role of wife to look like in your marriage? Are there any chores you don’t mind doing? Or circumstances under which you don’t mind doing them? What are the things you absolutely never want to touch again? Becoming honest with what you do and do not want to take on as far as these responsibilities is the important first step.

Second step is to have a heart-to-heart with your partner. Perhaps he is just assuming that you don’t mind. Perhaps he saw his own Mother take care of all of this like you and thinks that’s the way it is supposed to be. Perhaps he has space to participate alongside you? This may not be the easiest conversation, but it may be one that leads you to a new role in your marriage.

Things won’t change overnight. You may give up the dishes to him and he may get it done in two days not in the next two hours. As your roles shift, stress points will arise. Being able to keep a sense of humor as well as a commitment to the new way of being and doing within your marriage are the keys to making change.

By all means, break out! We are told in a million ways each day from the start of life what we are expected to do, be, have in our relationships. Unwinding those ideas and finding the way forward that works for you is the key.

Notice the Small Every Day

Small ladybug on a stem

It seems like we are meant to notice the large, the big, the humongous each and every day, Whether this be a story in the news or some extraordinary act of generosity — it always seems to focus on “big” things — literally and figuratively. It would seem in this case as in many others, “the bigger the better.” Noticing the small seems counter-intuitive.

This is why I am so inspired to stop and notice the small in the everyday. Sometimes it is in the smallest acts, things, people, and places that the greatest impact can be felt. There is truly something extraordinary watching a little ladybug crawl along a leaf. That bright red, polka dot body has purpose as it does its thing.

How about the little caterpillar that spins its small cocoon to take safe refuge as the body undergoes the transformation into the butterfly. Or the little hummingbird who waits patiently for you to fill your feeder so he can drink the nectar that he desperately needs to make his day sweet?

These are small natural wonders. There are also small acts of kindness taking place. Someone stops you and says, “Did you drop these keys?” Relief washes over you as you would have never gotten into your car to make that appointment if someone hadn’t noticed and given them to you. Small act, huge impact.

These small things are, in fact, small, but they do allow for great satisfaction when we notice them. The whole trick is to actually turn off the huge headlines and acts and tune into the small. It almost feels like a miracle to be able to do so.

I challenge you to become mindful today and notice something small. Something that no news headline will ever be written about, that makes no noise, that makes no drama just unfolds in its small way.

Small can mean significant. Notice the small. How does it feel?

Dear Therapist: Why are People Still Hanging Out Together?

People Hanging Out Together

Dear Therapist:

I have heard all of the news reports and I am frustrated to see people are still out and about hanging out together even as we are told to keep social distance from one another. I feel like saying something to these people, but I also wonder if it is any of my business? What do I do? Nothing or something?

Sincerely, Wanting Everyone to Keep Distance

Ah! These are interesting times indeed. How can this even be a conundrum in our modern times? And, yet it is. We have been told to keep social distance from one another. Even if we are not at risk ourselves, we know we are all inter-connected and we may be putting others at risk when we do not follow the guidelines. It can also prolong the crisis we are in. We know our elderly population is at risk, but many others are as well who have underlying medical conditions that we are unaware of are also at risk. Each time we gather together in close proximity with others – even 3-4 people – we are putting society at risk.

This is huge. Many people get this as we can see from empty streets, businesses, planes, etc., but there are still many who do not think it applies to them. So, you may be out for a walk and see people gathered together. What to do? It is awkward as these people are strangers. I can see your reticence to now want to say anything. Also, this may bring you into close contact with strangers that is not comfortable for you.

I noticed that a friend of mine went out to a natural wonder in the local area and noticed the crowds and the many people standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Instead of calling it out to the crowd, he took to social media and spoke out about this gathering he saw. He brought the reminder message to his community and called out these gatherings that need to be avoided.

However, what if your friends are getting together and giving you a hard time for taking distance. Here is an opportunity to state your feelings and feel a bit more safe with reminding your community where you stand on this and the importance of maintaining distance. We all have to help one another as being apart in our homes is difficult.

Technology, social media, and phones allow us to stand up for what we believe. We cannot always call strangers out as we see them gather, but we can use technology to speak up and out. You never know. Someone in your community may read your post and change their actions as a result.

Human Connection without Touch

Elbow Bumps allow human connection without touching hands
The New Handshake: The Elbow Bump

Human connection without touch? Is that even possible?

I don’t think any of us realized until this time, how much humans touch one another. Of course, in our families we are constantly touching one another. We truly are mammals looking for touch and we give it freely and openly with our families – hugging, touching, holding, and more.

These days, we are now coming to realize how much we touch others who are not in our family inner circle. We greet friends with hugs, business associates with handshakes, and gym instructors with fist bumps. We are constantly touching others in our lives.

Many people are actually not comfortable with the welcome hug from the other, but, up until now, seemed to be a social taboo to not receive and give the hug. For these people, the times we are living in is providing some very welcome distance from touch from people. However, for many of us this is how we move through our days – with a touch here and a touch there.

Now, all of that needs to stop. Not only should you not touch, you should be 3 to 6 feet away from each other. So, what to do? How do we stay connected with limited to no touch?

Well, the elbow bump became one way to touch, but stay safe. However, with recommendations of staying apart from one another physically there is no longer room for touch among fellow humans. Yet, we need it. If you ever observe chimpanzees or gorillas, species that are so close to us, they are constantly touching and grooming each other all the time. Is it any wonder we seek to do the same through our own human ways?

Well, at home, with your loved ones and pets, I imagine a lot more touching is happening. Go ahead and do so – we all need it! If you don’t live with anyone, human or pet, reach out via technology for virtual hugs and touch. Even the symbols may help feel human touch and thus promote connection.

Another idea? Watch videos of people hugging and being together. The sense of sight will connect to the viewing of human touch and further help with feeling connected in this way. Of course, there is also the idea of touching other living things – such as hugging a tree or caring for plants and flowers. All are living parts of nature that can promote the idea of being connected to touch.

We may be limited in the amount of human-to-human touch at this time, but know that we all need it and get creative in bringing touch and connection into your life.

Creativity Burst: A Four Leaf Clover Walk

A Four Leaf Clover Walk for St. Patrick's Day
May the Luck O’ the Irish Be With You

May the luck o’ the Irish be with you today! Celebrate with a Four Leaf Clover Walk.

Even if you aren’t Irish, this is the one day that we all feel a little Irish as we celebrate the day together. Traditionally, I think of this day as one where people gather in pubs for a green beer, kids eat green cupcakes, gold chocolate coins jingle in pockets, and we lookout for little leprechauns of luck. OK, maybe that last one is only in our dreams. Yet, it is a day to remember the Irish and to bring a little luck into one’s life.

Today’s holiday is a bit different given we are asked to not gather together. No school, no work, no meeting at the pub — however, we are encouraged to get out into nature, as long as we keep our distance from one another. In that light, today is a perfect day for a four leaf clover walk.

It takes us out into nature. If you have children at home, what better way to spend part of the school day with them today? Bundle up and head to a park. When you arrive, give them the guideline that you are the hunt for four leaf clovers. If they have not seen them before, show them a few examples on line before you head out.

Now, these are not always the easiest to find. So, expand the hunt and let them find any items in nature that look like a four leaf clover, are just green, or any other item that remind them of Ireland. Afterwards, when you gather together, it will be a great opportunity to share what was found and why they picked up the items they chose. It is an opportunity to get creative and use one’s imagination in nature using this lucky Irish day as inspiration.

When you arrive home, pull out heavy card stock, glue, and any other art supplies you may have on hand and let your children create a lucky collage for the day. Not only will you have gotten out on an excursion for the day, but also had a chance to be creative on this special day.

Even without kids, take your own lucky break in nature and let your mind wander as to what reminds you of the Irish on this day. Pick up a few things and place them on your desk – or anywhere else in your home – to remind you of the beauty of nature and your own imagination to connect a holiday to the natural world.

It’s a lucky day! Get out into nature and find some four leaf clovers today!

Social Distancing

Woman chats with someone via technology for social distance connection

According to ThoughtCo, Social Distance refers to “a measure of social separation between groups caused by perceived or real differences between groups of people as defined by well-known social categories.” This sounds very academic and, if you were to go on to read the rest of the article you would read about the different types of social distancing – mainly phenomena around separation of groups of people based on race, class, and more.

What? Social Distance actually has a theoretical frame and it doesn’t seem to be anything to do with our current pandemic where the idea of “social distancing” is being used to keep individuals apart to control spread of a virus in our communities. For this meaning, we have periodicals like the Atlantic Monthly giving you the “dos and don’ts” of social contact during this strange time.

I hear some people are taking it seriously and not leaving their homes and then others who are going out for some things, but have cut other things out (if it hasn’t already been out out for you, like school and work), and then others who are going about their life as normally as possible. Where I live in Seattle, WA, the guideline is to socially distant, but there has been no legal enforcement. Instead, people are given agency over their decision to distance from their friends and community.

It’s at times like these that we realize how much we need people or, at least, being out and about within our communities. I hear this is an introvert’s dream, but even introverts get out to do errands, work, drop their kids at school or go to school, work out, and more. To take away social interaction with others exerts a pressure for us to be alone for the good of the other. A bit of an oxymoron, right?

Some of the ramifications I see from this social distancing recommendation are the following:

  • Loneliness
  • Loss of connection
  • Stress on close relationships
  • Boredom
  • Lack of productivity
  • Inertia

One of the best ways to combat any and all of these feelings is to use technology to remain connected to our friends and family. We don’t normally think in this way to see our local friends, but it can really help stave off loneliness and isolation, to FaceTime our friends in lieu of meeting up for coffee, dinner, or drinks. You just have to think of it as a viable option and reach out and set a date. I have tried it a few times during the past few days, and it truly brightened my spirits and helped me to feel less isolated. Ah! My friends are out there experiencing all that I am. Sharing this with the other is critical.

So, what to do? Think about your friends, family, and others in your community. Now, reach out and ask if they would like to set a FaceTime date with you? Put it on your calendar, as you would any other event, and show up. Spend the time on-line connecting. Afterwards, check in with yourself and see how you feel. My guess is a lot less isolated and lonely. For me, a real sense of being in it together was felt in both my mind and body.

Even during these days of social distance, we can stay connected given the tech times we are living in – make sure to connect and encourage your partner, kids, and anyone else you know to do that same.

Dear Therapist: Dealing with Disappointment

Couple opens package and is disappointed

Dear Therapist:

I had so many good plans coming up this month and now they have all been cancelled. Like, I don’t want to get anyone sick or anything, but I’m pretty bummed. First off, there is nothing else on to go out and do. Second, I have no idea if this stuff will get rescheduled or not. Dang! How do I deal with my disappointment?

Signed, I know I’m not the only one, but Corona Disappointed

Ah! So many good concerts, sports, and events on this time of year. And it’s not like we are in the midst of a winter storm which is causing the disruption, it’s a virus. Something we cannot touch or see or feel — at least not until we get it. When things are getting cancelled for snow, it opens up a whole world of winter wonderland fun.

Not the case with this one, and I think that is part of the reason this is bringing you so much disappointment. It feels out of control and unknown. Let’s face it, we aren’t waiting for the snow to melt to get back to normal. We are waiting for a global pandemic to recede and hoping to not get sick during the outbreak. This is entirely different and most of us have never lived through such a disruption.

I think focusing on your disappointment is one way to try to feel some sense of control in an otherwise out-of-control time. We know disapppointment, we can put our energy there and feel certain about how bad it feels to not get to go to the big match or that ballet performance or that concert. What we don’t know is will this make a difference? Will this be over soon? Will my actions to avoid people and public spaces make a difference?

Disappointment we can know, uncertainty is harder to manage these days. So, let yourself feel that feeling of being disappointed. Hopefully, some of these things will be rescheduled. If not, then feel it, complain about it, and embody the disappointment so you can stay tuned in to your feelings.

However, do not despair. Most likely, this virus will recede and we will be left to pick up the pieces and begin anew with new things to do and to see. That day is coming. For now, welcome in your feelings.